The beginning

Today I thought I would write a little more about my experiences of anxiety and why I have decided to clean up my diet.

I have always been a worrier, i’m the type of person that worries if i’m not worrying! But the worry had always been manageable prior to Josh, my little boy, being born. I considered myself to be a very happy person and anxiety didn’t impact upon my day to day life at all, or so I thought…

After I gave birth to my son in December 2014 I suffered from anxiety for the first time ever and it completely knocked me, mentally and physically I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t sleep as I was worrying about not sleeping (!) and  I carried round a stomach full of butterflies. I would lie awake all night with a pounding heart completely exhausted but unable to get even a wink of sleep, I found this the most debilitating part of the anxiety as no one seemed to understand this fear of not sleeping. I was often told ‘when you’re tired you will sleep’ but this was never the case and the more exhausted I became the more anxious I was until I was in a seemingly never ending vicious circle. It was a self fulfilling prophecy, the worry of no sleep was stopping me sleeping! I had become my own worst enemy but didn’t know how to stop this awful spiral. Leaving the house on my own was near impossible. I remember when Josh was 8 weeks old and we went on a solo shopping trip – I ended up sobbing in a changing room as I felt completely overwhelmed with nerves and worry. It was then that I knew I needed help and off I went to the doctors.

My GP was absolutely amazing and really listened to how I was feeling (I felt like I was going crazy with worry at this point). He diagnosed me with ‘Post Natal Anxiety’ the lesser know (but far more common) sister of post natal depression and prescribed a course of medication to help level out my anxiety. My first thought was ‘Oh no i’m going to be on these forever’ but I was in such a state by this point  (I had consulted Dr.Google and diagnosed myself with Fatal Sporadic Insomnia) that something needed to change and after encouragement from my mum and  my husband I began taking the tablets. The first couple of weeks were very rocky and the anxiety intensified,but after that things began to gradually improve and I was able to look at my worries more objectively and not let them take over. Fast forward to July and I was off of  the tablets and almost feeling back to my old self, albeit with a very mild but nagging fear of the sleep anxiety returning.

In September 2015 my maternity leave finished and I plodded off back to work for two days a week as a primary school teacher. I was the happiest I had been for a long time and was sleeping brilliantly with next to no anxiety, however this all changed around Christmas time. I remember going to bed on December 15th 2015 thinking ‘wouldn’t it be awful if I couldn’t sleep all night’ closely followed by ‘oh no the anxiety is back’. I managed to sleep, but from then on thoughts of sleep began to overwhelm me yet again, culminating in a sleepless Boxing day night which set off my anxiety full force. I went back to the doctors immediately and was put back on medication but I knew that I needed to do more than this if I was going to beat the anxiety for good. I needed to equip myself with the tools to manage the anxiety when it first crept in instead of letting it balloon and take over leaving me a nervous wreck!

It was after watching a program featuring Ella Woodward of ‘Deliciously Ella’ fame that I began to research the impact of diet upon mood. Although Ella suffered from a completely different condition which led her to take up a plant based diet, lots of what she was saying rang true and made complete sense to me. After all, I spend a lot of money on what goes on the outside (my skincare obsession speaks for itself) but have never really thought about the inside. We only have one body and surely it makes sense to begin on the inside out? I then began to read extensively and decided that this way of living, positive thinking, clean diet was definitely worth a try, after all what did I have to lose?

Looking back I can see now that I have always carried around some anxiety (which is normal, we are programmed to be anxious about certain things to protect ourselves from danger) but my anxiety went more like this ‘Oh no i’m really happy that means that something is going to go wrong, maybe I should start worrying about (insert topic) so that I won’t be shocked when it goes wrong’. I was using my anxiety as a protective shield, thinking that if I worried enough about something I could stop it from happening. I can see now that this is no way to live, a life ruled by irrational worry and fear! I need to be make myself accountable for my anxiety instead of relying on tablets.

I am by no means ‘anti medication’-  I couldn’t have coped without tablets in the beginning. I’m a true believer that they work and alongside reprogramming thought patterns they can be part of the solution. After all, no one says you should think positively to cure a broken leg and mental health is no different. Some people need medicine and I was one of them, but I believe that in order to be fully ‘better’ I need to think long term and start to do things to help myself, if I want to live a fulfilling, healthy life and be the best mummy to my little boy I need to start taking care of myself properly from the inside out.

As of today I am still taking medication but i’m hoping that in time, I will be off of the tablets for good and managing my anxiety with the help of a healthy diet and a healthy mind. This marks a new beginning and i’m really excited to see what a healthy, clean diet can do for me and my mood!